the glasgow grief mafia

the glasgow grief mafia are an organisation which can be employed so as to bulk up the mourning experience of any factory closure, disaster anniversary or funeral. the principle members of the g.g.m. are as follows:

miss elizabeth violet-quimby. wears a large black dress, a floral hat and black veil. she wrings her gloved hands and sobs like this:    'oooooHOOO HOOO HOOO'    at a very loud level and with a touch of upper class hawtiness in her voice. she resembles a stretched mrs pankhurst.

captain john godfrey tonton. is an elderly sea captain who has gone down with over 100 ships. as such his face has a perpetual look of depressed but stoic resignation. he lists slightly to the left and will salute as coffins are lowered.

the shoosher. is a large hulk of a man whos appearance can quieten even the most rowdy crowd or child. his hands are large enough to smother low flying seagulls or clusters of cheery little songbirds and his height is such that he can block out the sun, should that be atmosperically required. he wears a large overcoat lined with thick theatre curtain and his back is naturally shaped like egg cartons used for sound dampening in cheap recording studios.

little thomas fank. is a small child with black outlined eyes. very cute, he can be taught to shout scripted lines such as ' mama? wheres mama?' or 'is aunty sleeping?' in french even 'ou est mamon?', or with a lisp, ' wherth mama?' enuf to crack any hardened heart.

esparilla marquez and molichev rospeeka. are two of the most experienced wailers in the business. where outrageous coffin charging and slapping are needed these are your pair. able to wail in south american and eastern european dialects these unsettlingly large ladies with headscarfs and shoulder scarves dont hold back when it comes to mourning.

it should be noted that all payments to the glasgow grief mafia should be paid in a timely fashion as they have a habit for turning up at the birthdays or weddings of non payers and turning the events into a thoroughly damp squib.



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5 Responses to the glasgow grief mafia

  1. Let me know of the GGM is hiring. I think I have potential.

  2. Jando says:

    Yes, I'd join too. My trademark cries will be, "Why do the good always die so young?" and, "It should have been meeeee". I do mean hand-wringing as well.

  3. I will happily hurl myself over a coffin and/or into an open grave. Also happy to dramatically fling open the church doors halfway through the service and wail "we've been secret lovers for the last thirty years!"*
    *not available for children's funerals.

  4. tryouts are thursday 10 oclock. places are limited. bring an up-to-date c.v. and chocolate.

  5. Fanny says:

    I can do all of the above AND I can do it in German should it be required.

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