Malter Youngfrum was pierced from head to navel when his chandelier loosened itself and fell. He leaves behind his dog and collection of buckled trombones / oversized scissors. Funeral Thursday. All welcome.

Jared Redburn was eaten by bedbugs after falling into a deep sleep. Nothing was left but his hairpiece, his moustache and all the rest of his bodyhair. Leaving a furry fluffy outline of where he had been.  Since Jared had no relations his door will be opened for all comers to plunder and pillage his possessions.  Many great finds to be found. Come early.  The B.O.N. has already taken an item (Douglas Bader Halloween costume) so as to pay for this column space.

Clint Lockhaven was beaten to a pulp by colleagues in a bizarre teambonding excercise and requires spoonfeeding for the next three months. please leave your name below so as to arrange your timeslot.

John Klofax will be reading from his book 'love on the ferris wheel' in the lobby at 7pm Tuesday.

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