The angelic list of Alison Ringbaum

saintly sibling of a fiend

at age 7 and ¾ , upon reading of the determined 47 ronin she tied her pigtails together underneath her chin and sat cross legged and stern faced on the ground in quiet contemplation. She does not recall the length of time, but the grass had long since died beneath her and her hair had fused together beneath her mossy chin.

at age 8 she saved her brother Junior Ringbaum from stray dogs. an act she would later come to regret.

at age 8 and a half, upon seeing the bravery of the burning shaolin monk she ran sobbing to her fathers tool shed, grabbed the small rusty axe and cut off the 3 outside fingers of her right hand. She buried them beneath a dead sycamore and prayed for the dead monk, at which point he appeared to her and replaced the fingers on her mangled hand.

at age 9, upon exploring an abandoned building she came across the suffering of a litter of dying strays. Seeing no hope, she killed the cats, before ripping a clump of hair from each of the tiny bodies. She swallowed the hair in the hopeful belief that some part of the cats might live on through her. After 30 days, 3 long black thick whiskers grew from each of her cheeks, which she proudly darkened with boot polish.

at age 9 and ¾ she saved several children from drowning.  Their school bus had fallen into the disgusting Black Cart Canal.  Alison had to be hospitalised afterward and gurgled like a blocked drain for several months due to the dirty smelly liquid in her lungs. her teeth took on a permanent yellow brown colour but she refuses to have them bleached or whitened.

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One Response to The angelic list of Alison Ringbaum

  1. [this is the best one of all]

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