letters to speilberg

dear stephen, i think i have it this time. the film is about an alien squid who controls a amn. man. lets call him geoffrey thomson. the squid controls him with one of his tentacles up his rectum like a glove puppet. but no one can see the squid because he is in a briefcase which geoffrey thomson carries with him. first they start out as enemies but through shared experiences on the train they come to respect each other. then the squid dies like et. but comes back again like et. here is quiick sketch.

paul. iv asked you to stop writing to me. you never have any good ideas. and frankly all your film ideas so far have unsavoury content. my lawyer has instructed you to cease and desist contact. please do this.

dear stephen. how exciting. thank you for your input. i feel we are getting somewhere. can shooting begin early august?. i cant do it in july. me and mother intend to go to greece. you are right.lets in fact not make him called geoffrey thomson. what about harold thomson? i have begun casting by writing to robert de niro telling him you are directing. speak soon.

paul. i realise you are a big fan. im flattered really. please stop writing to me. my objection to your last idea was not the name of the main character. i dont give a shit. i was referring to the fact that all your ideas have an animal up someones bum . dont write to anyone telling them im directing. i am not and never will direct any of your ideas. you are not a filmwriter. these ideas are simply 2 or 3 sentences about rubbish. it takes many hundreds of pages to even outline a film. as im unaware of your age or mental stability im going to be as polite and gentle as possible. PLEASE STOP WRITING TO ME.

dear stephen. you are right. geoffrey thomson is better. i think we should meet for lunch to discuss the briefcase with the squid in. i think it should be brown. in jaws the mayor had a brown briefcase do you remember? he had a brown briefcase. Have a look in the house and see if you still have it, that would save us some money. mother says you should be paying me in advance. cheers paul.

paul. clearly you are a fucking weirdo. stop writing to me or ill sue you and your fucking mothers arse off.
stephen spielberg.
p.s. fuck off.

dear stephen. im sorry. really. i think theres been a mistake on my part. sorry. i get too excited with people i like or admire. iv seen all your films. i cant believe you dont like me. thats just typical of me. duh!. i scare people away. imm really sorry. im such a loser. i dont know what i was thinkin wasting my silly ideas with you. i wont write to you anymore.dont worry.thats my last letter. ugh! sorry again.
your no.1 fan. paul

paul. maybe i was too harsh in my last letter. my apologies. im glad youre a fan. keep watching.
goodbye and all the best. stephen spielberg

dear stephen. thanks for your last letter. iv been thinking of you a lot. i wish an ogre with seven heads would kidnap you so i could gallop off and rescue you. i would gladly give my life trying to rescue you from a tower. you are an awrsome director. shall we replace the squid with a cat? what kind of toothpaste do you use?

dear stephen. hmm no reply to my last letter. did it get lost? maybe i should come to your house. i think we should meet up for a talk about the film anyway. i think im going to make it black and white like shindlers list. what a film. where do you get your ideas?can i bring mother? she likes to vet all my friends. i wish you were the size of a chocolate bar, i would keep you in my pocket and not share you with anyone. can you send me some of your beard hair?

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8 Responses to letters to speilberg

  1. Oh Paul, it's ok, I promise I won't swear on your blog again.

  2. holy shit!
    its little odd me….
    swear away. youve got a free swear pass for the blog of navarone l.o.m. after you explained its good to swear.
    . each foul little expletive like a little prayer.
    holy crap its late , im off to holy bloody bed.

  3. Jando says:

    Personally I like the film idea – it shows imagination and humour, so often lacking in today's Hollywood slasher blockbuster horror flicks. I think there's an environmental message there as well. Spielberg is a foo to turn down something so on the pulse.

  4. thank you jando. you shall direct in that case.
    what camera equipment do you have? and are you free from december till early july?

  5. Lauri says:

    Laughing.my.ass.off.

  6. Jando says:

    Sure, I'm free. I'll be mainly using my mobile phone to maximise our profit margin. I also think you should get Angela Lansbury to do a cameo or something – she owes you one.

  7. profits. i like your thinkin.
    lansburys a no-go. shes just signed up for 'murder she wrote/the movie.'
    ill start stalkin brosnan. he'll do it.

  8. yushchuk_38 says:

    Laughing.my.ass.off.

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