it is 1941. the 303rd chocolate division has been in north africa for over a month. sergeant brownie is in command.
alright treats. gather round. i just want to have a summing up of what stage we're at. let me first say i think its been a mistake stationing us here but i think we've just got to make the best of it.
just then a sweaty chocolate soldier runs in. he has a cloudy white discolouration. his wrapper is badly torn.
sergeant sergeant! news from the front sir!
speak up son. whats your report?
well sergeant. its a mess sir. a damn mess. were just not prepared for this heat. its playing havoc with the whole of the chocolate division sir. a lot of the boys are having trouble with sand sticking to them. the mars got so gooey in the sun we had to pop them in the fridge for a couple of hours to toughen them back up. and the flakes sir-theyre crumbling out there. thay cant take it. theyve went doolally and started munching on themselfs. the wagon wheels are stuck fast in the sand sir. this damn sand. the tunnocks teacakes went down quick. we peeled off their wrappers. oh it was awful sir. there was marshmallow all spilling out, all stuck to the inside of their uniform. the chocolate guns arent worth a fuck sir. after 10 minutes under that angry eye we cant tell where we end and our rifles start.
my god son. whats keeping us in the game out there?
its the bounty bars and the mirages sir. they seem to fit in just fine. theyre giving the enemy a pounding sir. and the caramel wafers. i dont know what those boys are made of sir but its not chocolate i'll tell you that! it makes you proud sir, damn damn proud!
alright son. get back to the front. ill radio hq and tell them to get more caramel wafers down here and see if we cant win this chocolate box.
hq? sergeant brownie here. i'm gonna need a platoon of caramel wafers, a division of bounty bars, a box of mirages- fuckit- make that ten boxes, and a platoon of hot chocolate asap. by the time we're done these fruit eating, health-nut, perfect-skinned, veg-munching bastards arent gonna know whats hit 'em!