your results are in…’d better sit down…..

okay ive put your numbers in. and iv photographed your pages. some of them are kinda small so you might have to klik on them twice if you really want to read them.

medical fortune telling isnt an exact science like say astrology, and it appears the magic medical encyclopedia sometimes doesnt actually give an illness but sometimes just describes a part of the body or a function that the body goes through-so some of you have lucked out and arent going to be too unwell. we'll have to surmise what these results could indicate. you'll see what i mean. and dont blame me, you picked the numbers

my first patient is lauri! i hear your not feeling great. im going to dispense with any bedside manner. the results came back lauri. it turns out you have…….

frostbite. ouch.  but i think you'll be okay you're tough. you just missed out on frigidity by one! {as you can see by the last sentence of the one above} and from your next ailment its clear why.


sorry its venereal disease (vd) you dirty dirty girl.



subideal!. im afraid theres no easy way to say this. i mean really. its a difficult word.

 youve got opthalmoplegia – paralysed muscles in the eyes. this can mean double vision or full on static eyes meaning youll have to turn your head back and forth when your reading a book. not having much luck with your eyes right now eh? but look! you almost got opium?!


also that nagging 74c (you got actually got knocked on to page 75 due to a 2 page special on cerebral hemorrhage and palsy) turns out to be a problem with your cerebrospinal fluid-basically the bathwater that your brain sits in all day long. and you got a diagram! woooo!



ooh cha0tic im sorry man. after all your hard work on the number generator your results are kinda unclear. 55a as you can see -you got breast. i dont know what to say about that. are you thinking about a lifestyle change?




also you got lens. so some sort of problem with your eyes i think. so it looks like youve lucked out in a way. a new set of breasts and you dodged leprosy by one! of note it says 'polynesians are said to admire small conical breasts, while north american indians admire elongated drooping breasts' so keep that in mind.

jamie. youve escaped anything too major, it seems youve got a problem with your blood pressure



 and also 293a which as you can see is quinsy! no not jack klugmans quincy. quinsy!- an abscess forming in the space around the tonsils. treatment consists of antibiotics, bed rest, a light diet, plenty of fluids, and analgesics such as aspirin.


sixbucks your revised numbers showed us that your suffering from whooping cough. cof! cof! you should avoid being anywhere where you need to be silent for a large amount of time. like say a cinema or a library. it says here that the spasmodic stage may last four to seven weeks. the patient should be kept warm and restricted to bed.


and youve also got (and i kid you not, this is the absolute truth)

maple syrup urine disease???!!! wtf? basically when you pee it smells like maple syrup. which surely isnt an affliction but a superpower! who wants some pancakes?!



navelgazer it appears you have acidosis. an excess of acid in the body.



and you also got the result sleep. which youll be glad to read is 'unlike a coma' sleep is a recurring state of inactivity accompanied by loss of awareness!


and finally dewitte. you hit the motherlode my boy just minutes before surgery closing time. you picked the number right after sixbucks maple syrup pee….

you got marasmus which is another word for starvation. the cure can be read in the last sentence.



 and you also got this: travellers diarrhea…. which probably led to the starvation in the first place. look at the slang names for this in the first few lines! {aztec two-step? pardon?}


what an unhealthy neighbourhood i have. get well soon folks.

well, grumblebunny was admitted after surgery hours,your results are in grumblebunny, nothing life threatening at least however……

you picked 4c, which was the one after navelgazers acidosis and it was acne!


this happens because of an increased production of sex hormones. hee hee. i said sex. heee heee heee. or maybe youre just eating too many sweets.

and you also got a diagram showing mount vesuvius, mount etna, and mount fuji, which is where all spots come from of course.


and as well as acne you got another skin one which waaaaaas


ecchymosis which is basically bruising, have you been fighting??? hmmm? stop fighting! repeat this mantra ten times please: i must keep the rage in a cage, i must keep the rage in a cage, i must keep the rage in a cage.

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21 Responses to your results are in…’d better sit down…..

  1. cha0tic says:

    Oooh. The spooky power of the Medical fortune teller. I do wear glasses and I like breasts. I have Polynesian tastes, only we call them 'posh tits' round here.Hang on. What's going to happen to you. Let he who is with out disease cast the first medical fortune.

  2. yes! the book never lies!

    we play it most months in my house so i have had pretty much everything going in the book, but just to play along today i have got…..
    oh dear. not a good spin
    i got 'impotence'
    and 'hookworm'-
    a parasite that lives attached to the inside of the human intestine, from where it releases as many as 10,000 eggs daily which pass out with the feces. nice

  3. [this is eerie]whooping cough AND maple syrup urine… my LUCKY DAY!

  4. yeh. pretty eerie.
    i dont think this game is going to replace monopoly as a family favorite

  5. Jamie says:

    Well, I'm glad to get a second opinion on the high blood pressure thing, I guess I'll keep taking these stupid pills but the other, wow. No wonder I've got a sore throat! It's still too close to Quincy to make me comfortable.

  6. navelgazer says:

    very interesting. I choose to interpret my diagnosis as an excellent avowal of my biting austenian wit. and I just woke up from a nap! dr. navarone knows all. eerie.

  7. it could have been worse, you could have got 'Jessicafletcher'

  8. eerie indeedie. doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo {that was the 'twilight zone' tune, not 'the A team'}

  9. Lauri says:

    Oh holy COW! This is the funniest thing I have heard in ages!!! I am going to die of frostbite and a venereal disease! *pumps fist in air* YES!!!I, for one, am quite satisfied with my results! Thank you very much, o teller of Medical Fortunes!

  10. Lauri says:

    OW. My stomach hurts from laughing. What disease is THAT?

  11. dewitte says:

    Rangoon Runs? Again???? Dammit. The last time I had that, I had to get room service delivered right to the bathroom in the Bangkok hotel. This greatly cut down on travel distance. Marasmus you say? Perhaps a cork would solve both ailments at once?

  12. What!? No disease for ME!?

  13. it could have been worse, you could have got 'Jessicafletcher' OK. I *just* noticed that line. Died laughing. Burial at sunrise tomorrow.

  14. oh cool. i was hoping for a funeral so i could miss work tomorrow! yay! $6 is dead. yippee! i dont have to go to work.
    i hope you have one of those carnival funerals like that one in the james bond film. i think it was live and let die. in new orleans. thatd be good fun. partay.
    the coffin pulled by donkeys. plenty of flowers, music, meat. cant wait.

  15. So many things I could say but I am SO COMPLETELY DECEASED that it is quite impossible.Will all of Paulrovia be shutting down for the jazz-procession and wake? I think that is only appropriate.Oh, hell. Now I have the Live and Let Die song stuck in my head. And it's the Axl Rose version. I am fucked. For eternity.

  16. yes we will fly the paulrovian black flag at half mast. a 21 atomic bomb salute. schools will be closed half day. tom waits on crackly loudspeakers. 133 schoolchildren dressed as minisixbucks will perform mime while your coffin is lowered into the sixbucks pyramid mausoleum.

  17. coffin pulled by donkeysclassic

  18. now wait a minute – acne, sex hormones, mt. fuji… does that pustule have a strikingly phallic appearance or is that just my extra added sex hormones? maybe that's where my fighting streak stems from too… not enough sex and too much chocolate. rage in the cage indeed. Pff, mark this rated pg-13.

  19. navelgazer says:

    was that the same james bond with zombies? or am I confusing it with angel heart.. or is it wild at heart.. oh dear.

  20. i think it was voodoo and tarot. i cant remember, they all blend together dont they?
    angel heart was voodoo and lisa bonet. raar. fox, fox, fox.

  21. Belladonna says:

    No, i think that James Bond did have the zombies in it. Wasn't that the one where Jane 'doctor quinn' seymour lost all her tarot powers after copping off with Roger Moore? (maybe he should come with a warning: Danger, improper use of Roger Moore can lead to loss of special powers). Wild at Heart was the freaky David Lynch one that had voodoo, tarot, and Grace Zabriskie in a leather mini and a walking stick thing. Not a patch on Blue Velvet.

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