neighbourhood story jam (2) a romance!

following the worldwide success of our first novel and due to valentines day being tomorrow i think we should tackle a romance. i think we will find a talent for thick heavy florid writing. also i have a bill to pay so it would be good to get the extra income.

same rules as before….

add one sentence only. you can add another sentence if someone else adds one (so you cant do two in a row.)

this is a story about albert. whats going to happen to albert? who is albert? what does albert smell like? hmm?

ill start us off….



albert sat in the bar of the hotel, he could hear the bustle of the lobby behind him, he took a swig of his drink.




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42 Responses to neighbourhood story jam (2) a romance!

  1. He fancied himself as the handsome cosmopolitan gentleman in a Harveys Bristol Creme advert.

  2. but in reality he was advertisingly closer to the pilsbury dough boy, just then a woman entered the bar, she was

  3. dressed as a 1970s Braniff stewardess.

  4. looking for the Pilsbury Doughboy type, a plump and creamy kind of gentleman who was guaranteed to…

  5. (… on comment 3 change my period to "and" so we flow nicely. Also, visual aid for comment 3)

  6. frost her pastries with just the right amount of…

  7. …sweet creamy nectar. She stopped dead in the doorway and stared

  8. navelgazer says:

    at the overly large paper parasol from albert's cocktail, which had…

  9. Jamie says:

    pink elephants dancing the macarena, something she'd never seen before. She thought to herself..

  10. "Doughy AND secure in his manhood."

  11. she had a flat nose brought on by too many years in the boxing ring, under one arm she carried a dog and behind her she pulled the luggage set given to all braniff air stewardesses, he had never seen such a vision, he began to sweat..

  12. navelgazer says:

    At this moment Albert caught her eye, realized she was watching him, and thought…

  13. "Damme, I should throw myself at this tasty little giblet of a woman!"

  14. navelgazer says:

    As he rose from his see to do so, however, he slipped in a puddle of his own sweat, and the drink umbrella…

  15. ….spinning crazily…

  16. pierced the cheap ceiling, showering him in polystyrene ceiling tiles, what luck!, she hadnt noticed.

  17. She was too busy staring at his enormous…

  18. "gosh, his feet are like dumplings" she thought.

  19. Could these vast pedal dumplings be indicative of his…

  20. enormous capacity for passion? There was only one way to find out.

  21. mariser says:

    so, right there on the lobby, she unshod Albert and then herself; "what an amazing coincidence!" she exclaimed.

  22. we both have ten toes!, he gestured for her to sit down at the table, she gestured back, they were speaking another language now, one of grunts and whistles, ill have what hes having she said to the waiter, all the while not lifting her eyes from him, she read out loud the inscription on the large medallion around his neck….

  23. … which said "I don't know what I'm having, but I hope it's you!" "Ohmy!" she exclaimed, that's exactly…

  24. navelgazer says:

    "…what my tattoo says!""Let's have a foot-feet fight!" he cried.

  25. She looked up in alarm.

  26. no wait,she said, i cant, i feel before we get much closer i must tell you my secret, you see i want us to be honest with each other, before we go on, you should know…

  27. I'm hot for Paul of Navaronne.

  28. Albert stared aghast at Hepzibah (for that was indeed her name, as he finally managed to observe by lifting his gaze from her magnificent muffins to the name tag pinned to one side just beneath her taut and heaving collarbones), for he realized that not only had his new love fallen under the same evil spell as the last five women he had fallen for, but that he must stop trying to pick up chicks in Navarone bars.

  29. Ishtar says:

    But then does he have to? It suddenly occurred to him…

  30. …. this chick was definitely trying to pick him up, despite her professed love of twisted geniuses. Could it be that…

  31. Ishtar says:

    …he had in his possession a certain source of power so far unknown to him? He reached into his left pocket…

  32. past his ball of foot-feet flight flippers…. a grin slowly congealed like cooling porridge across his pudgy face.

  33. deep down in his left hand pocket, stuck to a half chewed murray mint, he felt the small plastic braniff air-stewardess voodoo doll he purchased from an old hag only weeks before, of course! he thought, i have her under my spell. witchcraft! she cant resist me! "i wonder madam",he said, "would it be forward of me to ask if…

  34. you feel a pin-like sensation in your left thigh, and there, is it all better now? She realized he had the cure for all her ills (never realizing he was also the evil cause, with his sticky murray-mint covered voodoo-doll-sticking hat pin) and threw herself at his irresistable pudginess

  35. The voices in Albert's head whispered, "Now you will wisk Hepzibah (for that was indeed her name) off to the
    lair of your evil (pronounced eee-ville) overlord Wilma Flintstone."

  36. navelgazer says:

    (overlady not having quite the same ring to it). A heartbeat later, however, Albert noticed something unnervingly familiar about those saucer eyes… Hepzibah, aka Wilma, aka Jane, mistress of darkness–she was everywhere, damn her! The fighter's nose and cauliflower ear had thrown him off– a clever ploy thanks to recent advances in cranial reconstructive surgery, indeed. At last, she reveled, she had the doughy little plaything in her clutches!

  37. "Haha, you see I see you see I have you in my clutches," cried the cranially deconstructed HebzibahWilmaJaneMrsKlaussman, whipping the fake plastic layer off the voodoo doll she had cunningly sold to Albert earlier via one of her many "urchins", lulling him into loving her despite his fear

  38. the end…
    well done kids. another nugget wings its way to the publisher.
    i think this stretches the term romance novel in ways its never been stretched. mills and boon have nothing on this. move over barbara cartland, step aside catherine cookson, throw out your typewriter danielle steel. whewf. its hot in here isnt it? i think i need to lie down. steamy.
    your cheques are in the post.

  39. Jaysus, that lasted a lot longer until you ended it than I thought it would. Damn, I was just waiting for one more person to contribute before I killed Albert off and had urchins building bunk beds with his bones, damnit!!!

  40. it did kind of ramble for a bit didnt it? but better to have too much than too little.

  41. *Pats gratuitous gut* Yes, yes, always best to have too much…

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