Significant dates in the life of Mrs Klaussman
1311 6th June Birth of Gunhilda Volgenschtadt in Ober________<text omitted>, Germany
1318 Parish priest of Ober_______<text omitted> records reports of the ‘frange fightingf of unholy beafts’ in the surrounding forests. Several children disappear mysteriously at this time. Locals term it the year of ‘Kinderwachtenappen’.
1320 Gunhilda Volgenschtadt is the last surviving child in the village of Ober_____. For her safety, and on the recommendation of the parish priest, Father Sacrementum, her parents Lucius and Maleficta send her to the Little Sisters of Schonstadch convent, high in the Transylvanian mountains. All unholy sightings in Ober_________ immediately cease.
1328 Gunhilda returns to Ober_____ after the tragic burning of the convent and the death of all nuns. Marries Vincent Klaussman, 98-year-old Count of Ober_______, net worth approx 45 Marks (in today’s money approximately £465 billion), in a surprising ‘love match’. About this time strange half-man, half beast creatures are again seen to be wandering in the surrounding forests. In an adjunct to the parish records, Father Sacrementum records that Gibher, the village idiot, spots Mrs Klaussman engaged in unholy acts with a half gibbon, half Turk in the forest. Gibher unfortunately dies of an inflammation of the brain three days after imparting this information to the priest in the confessional.
1329 Death of Count Vincent Klaussman after a tragic nude dog sled race with the employees of the Ober_________ branch of ‘Eucalyptus Hippopotamus’. Five go-go dancers sadly perish with him. Rumours of deliberately starved dogs and tampered reins pursue Mrs Klaussman. His sons mount a legal action to reverse his will, written only 3 hours previously, which left all monies to his wife. Whilst awaiting the outcome of the suit, the Widow Klaussman opens a daycare nursery (known as the Sanctum Antimus Theodorum Anchorus Nursurium) for the second generation of children in the village. A small abattoir and deli, known as ‘Klaussman’s’ is opened next door.
1330 Children again start to disappear from the village. The locals term this ‘Kinderwachnappen II’. ‘Klaussman’s’ opens its 387th branch in Bratislava, and wins the ‘Knochvurst of the Year’ Award at the Munich Beerhausen Festival for its celebrated Kinderveal sandwich. The last child, Brunhilda Van Heffalumpch, disappears from the Klaussman nursery.
1331 Suspecting her involvement in Kinderwachnappen II, the villagers drive the Widow Klaussman from the village, which is destroyed three days later by a freak Caribbean hurricane. All inhabitants of the village are killed. Records show that it takes 3 days and the use of a wooden cherry-picker to remove the body of Father Sacrementum from the church spire. The people of neighbouring Uber______ raise the village and sow the ground with salt. The spirits of the villagers are said to haunt the area, and local children are threatened that ‘Mrs Klaussman will get you’ if they don’t behave. All trace of Mrs Klaussman disappears from this area.
1360 Outbreak of the Black Death in Europe. Beginning in a Nike sweatshop in Riga, the disease sweeps from East to West. Though modern historians attribute the spread of disease to rats, it is interesting to note that certain texts held in the monastery of Monte Cassino in Italy refer to the Black Death as ‘La Belle Noir Clasuman’. In Dante’s ‘Hellhole’ (the popular medieval text inspired by the Black Death) it speaks of the disease visiting villages as a ‘young, beautiful dark haired temptress, veiled in evil as her mantle’. Scholars of Mrs Klaussman believe that this directly links her whereabouts since 1331 to central Europe.
1492 Columbus discovers America.
1514? Invention of printing in Gutenberg. A little known work by Montenegran author Johannes Domininino Pizzeria (the final surviving copy now held in the Rekijavic Muesum of Literature) called ‘Everything you wanted to know about devils but were afraid to ask’ dominates the Sunday Times Bestseller List from March to October. Chiefly of interest in this document is the fine woodcut of the demon known as ‘Cnasman’, depicted on page 43. A superb nude of the Raphael school, it’s resemblence to portraits and photographs later definitively identified as Mrs Klaussman is striking, and would lead me to suppose that this is in fact the first pictorial evidence we have of her.
167? Salem Witch Trials.
1792 Overthrow of the Bastille Prison and beginning of the French Revolution. La Veuve Klasman, supplier of cakes to Marie Antoinette is the first to the gates of Versailles, capturing the queen by means of a brioche lure. She makes 100 million francs (equivalent to £10 sterling today) selling souvenir t-shirts (‘Je suis severe la bonce de Marie Antoinette et je suis tout seule les boggy t-chemise’).
1798 The Contessa Klaussman adopts 3 girls abandoned at birth. Marie-Garnaveve, Listivula and Orphasemene. The family heads west.
1861 Beginning of the American Civil War.
1905 Boxer Revolution in China.
1918 Death of the Romanov family in Ekaterinburg.
1939 Invasion of Poland
1945 Death of Adolf Hitler
1977 The child Paul is born in Glasgow