So I am at the dentist yesterday. Which is always fun isn’t it? he has that dentist look. Hes balding with deep set eyes. Like eh, that painting with the guy with the pitchfork and that girl shes got some hay spike thing. I think they must pick out the dentists at school when the nurse is doing her little checks for colourblindness and malnourishment they must check a little box if he looks like a dentist because they all look like that, even the women. Do you not remember in nursery when those men in suits came in and took that small lightbulb headed child and you never saw him again. miss, miss, wheres the boy I was playing with this morning? I think that next to the masons the dentists have the next most secret club.
Well he puts me off ease right away this time cos he says now im thirty my mother should really wait in the other room. So she sloped off to do some shopping. My mothers very good at coming with me to the dentist, its one of the few family things we have left. My girlfriend refuses to come with me. she thinks a grown man should be able to go to the dentist and the barbers without his mother. I just don’t like another person fingering around in my mouth. Such is the quality of barber in glasgow. I don’t think that’s strange. Anyway my dentists got very low hygiene levels which I think is a bad thing in a dentist. He must have been bottom of his class in dental school. He would have had the desk on his own next to the teacher. ‘today class we’re going to study the nerves close to the lower mandible. Jeffrey you just use these crayons and try to be quiet ok?’ yes he has bad hygiene. He doesn’t wear gloves and he eats while he works on you. He says hes so busy he has no time for lunch. He doesn’t eat dainty clean foods neither. I would want him eating grapes maybe. But he eats crackers. Spaghetti. This time he was eating oysters. Fucking oysters. Can you believe that? Slippin and slidin them into his mouth. And the last thing you want to see when some guys about to extract a tooth is him mauling the outside of an oyster shell with a screwdriver. He was so rough with it. he puts out that napkin thing around your neck and then he lays his lunch on your stomach. Sushi. Crisps. Garlic bread. he has pictures of airships on the wall. It’s a very unsettling thing a man eating above you. I know you don’t know that because your dentist probably doesn’t eat whilst denting but you’re going to have to take my word for it. it is. His big gob looming above you, He keeps a family picture of his wife and kids next to that little sink you need to spit into. It is covered in the spit of half of Glasgow this little picture. I don’t think its ever been wiped down. His children seem to resemble the creature from the black lagoon or swamp thing from the below the waist due to all the goobers and blood and broken teeth sliding down them.
My dentist has bad teeth. This is another worrying thing. This is like a priest who goes whoring and urinates in the street I think. The man should have good teeth. Am I supposed to take advice from this man? He’ll always finish our session with a little sermon or epilogue like he-man or something. You know you should really be brushing more. He says. Hypocrit. So I had to get a tooth up the back done, my dentist he had wandered off to the fridge in the other room, I think he was cooking kippers cos I could smell it. so she puts the injection in, the nursey lady, I think it went right through because I heard something spatter onto the floor. Some of it got in though because my ear went off to sleep and my eyes kind of drooped a bit like stallone. The anaesthatist is very elderly and senile and just shuffles from room to room with pain killing injections. Have I done you yet? She says. I just kept saying ‘no, not yet dear’. Pretty soon I was only just able to flap my feet. My heartbeat had moved down to about 3 or 4 beats a minute. I think for a while I was clinically dead. It is true that the hearing is the last to go. when I woke up I was in a dumpster in maryhill. That fucker thought I was dead and dumped me there. He didn’t even pull my tooth. That’s another reason why you should always go with your mum to the dentist.