mrs klaussmans horoscopes for september


Whilst using the air rifles at a travelling fair you will discover a talent for sharpshooting. Word will spread like wildfire throughout the fairground community and you are soon employed by a circus, shooting cigarettes from a troupe of befeathered and lithe young girls mouths. After a sneezing incident you are forced to leave your new life under canvas and instead get a job in a covered shopping mall shooting down trapped helium balloons that have been released by sweaty palmed infants.



Whilst trying out a new toothpaste you find that the blue stripe which is supposed to be for fresh breath causes a reaction in your lips, Swelling them to a size only achievable to others through surgical injection and wearing off in a few days. On the 8th you will drive over a neighbours cat. A sweet manufacturer will release a pez dispenser which bears an uncanny resemblance to your own head. Local word spreads. Soon crowds and tv crews gather to chuckle at your face. Unable to take the resemblance anymore you chop off your nose with a pair of garden shears so as to stop the similarity. The sweet company releases a new dispenser without the nose to cash in on the publicity. After more violent acts to beat the similarity you are left with merely a nubbin on the end of your neck. local scientists regrow your head on the back of an exhausted fieldmouse. At the end of the month your aunt knits you an awful sweater.



taking a mood for a roll and ham around the 7th, you will notice that the assistant at the meat counter has no gloves on. She runs her hands all over the meat, handling it like shes massaging a deep muscle problem. Her nails are chewed and broken. She has cuts and hairy growths and there is gloop under whats left of her nails. As you go outside after purchasing the snack you will think you can at least salvage the roll. You open it up and begin to scrape the meat off into a nearby rubbish bin. The assistant (taking a cigarette break) notices you scraping the meat off. She challenges you. Demanding why you are wasting the meat when so many in the world are hungry. Flustered and unable to think of anything you tell her you are a vegetarian and that you ordered the meat so as just to speak to her and that you have been besottedly watching her from afar. Unable to just come clean and tell her that her hands are bogging and that you couldn’t stomach the meat that she’d handled, the lies continue to tumble out of control. Soon you are living together in a small house with 4 adopted children. Every morning she wakes you with a roll and ham. On the 12th a man comes to the door selling vacuum cleaners.



In a moment of heady pleasure during a main meal you will absent mindedly lick the steak knife, cleanly cutting your tongue lengthways along itself. The surgeon, a boozed up flunky, stitches each bit up separately leaving you with two tongues much like a snake. Embarrassed to now be further entrenched in the freakish half of society you hide yourself away in your home becoming a veritable recluse. You find however that your new tongues are better able to envelop the food as it enters your piehole. Each delicate taste and flavor can be picked up by your supertongue. While one tongue dabs at the icing sugar dusted atop a cake the other darts and scoops in at the whipped cream hidden inside. While one tongue lies pressed against the crusty seared underbelly of a bloody steak the other dips at the black peppercorn sauce and wriggles along the pink sides. While one tongue holds the donut through its hole the other spins it at top speed whilst flicking off the sugar sprinkles towards your throat. Still unable to leave the house you immerse yourself in the language of the top tv chefs. When there are no cookery shows you watch the weather reports for adjectives for food as a little game to keep yourself amused. Bitter, humid, wet, blusterous, soaked, sweaty, slick, frigid. After 3 years you decide to leave the house on your birthday for a meal at the top local restaurant. You order several courses and trip out descriptive sentences and wordy exclamations for the food. Soon a small crowd gathers round your table eager to hear your critiques of the food. They cheer each mouthful. The chef seems hurt at first but after you give him a few pointers and praise his efforts he agrees and bows to your better tasting and foodic language. However, after licking your lips an onlooker spots your two tongues. The crowd turns angry and chases you from the restaurant. Soon a large horde has gathered brandishing flaming torches and pitchforks and chase you around town. Taking sanctuary in the reptile house of the city zoo, the snakes sense your fear by flicking at the air. They break from the tanks and force back the angry mob through biting and strangling. You escape to the sewers with your new found snake brethren and live out your years as their king plotting your revenge on the unmutated human population above. On the 15th you receive a free washing powder sample through the door for Dazzle!



lonely and curmudgeonly you will decide to manufacture a robot out of broken radios and cutlery. The robot is daft at first but with education  becomes erudite and even witty. she begins to get on your nerves however and you decide to abandon the experiment and leave her in the cupboard with all the other crap. While moving some furniture a large dressing table falls on you and you become trapped. But wait! Your robot! she can save you! she asks you why you abandoned her in the cupboard and unsatisfied with your answer begins to make lengthy long distance calls on your telephone while you lie trapped beneath the heavy furniture. Soon you are just a lifeless bag of bones beneath a cherry wood dresser. On the 18th you win a £5 gift voucher for house of cheese. Your robot marries ‘deep blue’, the robot that beat kasparov at chess.



A distant relative is killed in a bizarre cable-car accident. You will decide to set up a kitten shearing farm making sweaters and shorts from cat fur. Due to venus going retrograde trying a free sample of yoghurt at a supermarket will result in hospitalisation around the 14th.



whilst browsing through a dusty toy shop you will come across a dolls house decorated in a similar fashion to your own house. In the kitchen sits a doll who is your double. You are troubled by its distant stare and downturned lips. Purchasing the dolls house you take it home and set it by the kitchen window. In your mind you believe the sad grimace on the face is getting worse. You take nail polish remover to the mouth and draw in a large smile with a black marker pen. Unfortunately your shoddy work with the nail polish remover obliterated one of the eyes so you draw in a patch after several poor attempts at an eye go awry. On Thursday the spin on the washing machine causes the doll to fall from the house into the rubbish bin which was filled with a leftover fish casserole. Hurrying out the door you plop the doll back in the house and resolve to mop it down later. When you return home the doll is lying face down on the kitchen floor. When you pick it up you feel light-headed and faint to the floor. Upon waking you find yourself shrunken and inside the dolls house. Peering outside you see the doll. Now human sized and spasmodically lumbering around your kitchen chewing on bits of cutlery and painting all your belongings a bright green. At night while the monster noisily sleeps upstairs you board up the little doors and windows with ice cream wafers. You begin to sharpen cocktail sticks into razor sharp points and fashion a small bow from elastic and a lollipop stick and plan your attack on the beast and the recapture of your home. Banzaii!


whilst walking amongst tall trees in the forest your mind wanders off as you presume this must be how fleas see the world as they wander across a hairy dogs back. Feeling a sudden affinity with the fleas you set up a few flea circuses. Amateurish at first, the fleas soon push themselves to perform bigger and better feats. Soon the fleas have set up their own child care facility and a safety at work program and seem to enjoy their life of performance. Looking to diversify they instruct you to obtain some Spanish fleas for a bullfight skit. Unfortunately one of the Spanish fleas has a cold and the tiny troupe is decimated by disease. No fleas survive. Heartbroken and inconsolable you burn the small circuses in your garden bonfire until all that remains is your happy memories and some charred multicoloured canvas.


short of cash and bored with life you enrol the senile old lady next door in a beard and moustache contest which she wins outright. You eat a meat pie that doesnt agree with you on the 24th. On the 29th  your kettle stops working.


a man will stop you in the street and offer you the truncheon used by shatner in tj hooker season 1. you give him a few coins. You keep the truncheon next to the door and take delight in smacking people that come to your house. An investment in animal shaped dirigibles will bankrupt you. Eat more veg.


whilst perusing your neighbourhood on google earth you notice that some childish vandal has written ‘ I eat slugs and jobbies’ in large white letters on the roof of your house. Perturbed by the amount of broken umbrellas littering our streets you develop an umbrella cast from metal and call it the little iron shadow. It is an instant success being waterproof and too heavy to blow away in the wind. It ships 23 million units in the first day. After millions are killed in electrocution incidents during thunderstorms you are put on trial for crimes against humanity and live out the rest of your days in a Portuguese jail. Hungry, unwashed and unforgiven. On the 16th you will win a Christmas hamper in a crossword competition.



An aunt will leave you an umbrella stand in the shape of an elephants leg. Whilst out at a local park you take great delight in telling a little girl that the plastic bags stuck high up in the twigs of the trees are witches knickers. While walking through your front room you feel something in your shoe. Turning it upside down you expect to see a pebble or a little bead. But out drops an 1852 3 cent piece.

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11 Responses to mrs klaussmans horoscopes for september

  1. she posts now and again.
    im afraid mrs klaussman is not an exact science.
    to check out her old predictions for your life ishtar and to marvel in the fact that they've come true
    you can look here or perhaps here or gosh darnd it maybe even here
    i think theres more but i cant find them amidst the clutter.
    i agree with you. sept is the month of the umbrella. did you know umbrella comes from the latin 'umbrellacum' meaning 'little shadow'.- possibly the best named object in the world.
    i dont know what the martians would think. i shall muse on that i think. maybe they would consider it a little tribute. or an aggresive act of war maybe?.

  2. Ishtar says:

    Oh thank you! Now I have something to do!Yes, I think I knew the Latin root at some point but the knowing was then undone at some other point. Yes, it is the best named object. (You know, speaking of shadows, in Chinese, cinema is literally "electrical shadow." Maybe that's the electrocution Mrs K. was talking about, since she is not exact science?)I think the Martians are dazzled by the reflective light…

  3. oh kewl. {cinema is literally "electrical shadow." }
    i like stuff like that.
    there must be a site somewhere with all these interesting roots and translations. if you've got any more good ones you need to tell me.

  4. Ishtar says:

    I thought you would. I don't know about websites. If you see one, would you let me know too? This one I know because I'm Chinese. There must be other good ones. I'll tell you when I think of one.

  5. dewitte says:

    If I'm going to burn the canvas in the bonfire, I'd better get some lighter fluid asap. I'm going to get some flea spray too, just in case.

  6. Jamie says:

    I hope I end up with a more Angelina Jolie look, as opposed to a Melanie Griffith one when my lips swell up. Melanie Griffith looks gross. And I'll look out for that cat, not that it would be any loss..there are entirely too many cats around here as it is.

  7. you have to get lighter fluid? you struck me as the kinda guy who would have crateloads of lighter fluid hidden away for a rainy day!

  8. yeh wev'e got a minor celebrity called leslie ash. she was dead nice and then she got it done. crazy. just crazy.

    i hope she doesnt read my blog. i wouldnt want to hurt her feelings.
    dont expect a christmas card from melanie griffith neither. you are now off her christmas card list after that comment.

  9. dewitte says:

    I meant get lighter fluid off of my pallet in the garage.

  10. Yay! Another great post.

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