a riot diverted



last night was the end of the glasgow tranquility festival. a shameless government sponsored festival designed to pacify the population. a firework display had been planned but at the last minute was called off. my cousin (a keen amateur exploder) was deflated and in a rage lashed out with his boot at some pigeons sending one hurtling into the air. the crowd {obviously eager for any kind of spectacle}, oooh'd and aaaah'd at the resulting rocketing lump and exploding feathers. my cousin has temper issues and has the emotional control of a pop-up toaster.

as my cousin tried to work out more of his rage you could tell many of these birds got a real thrill flying for the first time in years and let out glee filled squawks and screeches. you very rarely see birds fly in glasgow. they graze on a litter of fast food, takeaway and sweet papers and many are too heavy to fly. my fat uncle james says you cant fatten a thoroughbred…but these birds aint thoroughbreds, they're winged mongrels of every shape and size. have you ever seen a fat crow? it doesnt make sense. we're the only ones that are supposed to love gorging and gettin bloated. we're fooling with mother nature and she's going to get sick of it and she's going to kick us man, she's going to kick us really hard.              anyway…

the crowd was enthralled …..'oooh'    the kids said    'a blue headless swallow'

                                  …….'aaaah'   say the kids     'a scarlett spurting gull'.

my cousin, a real violent showman continued to kick for all he was worth sending clouds of different coloured feathers swirling and spiralling into the air. while i, the beautiful assistant, was grabbing burgers, candy floss, hot dogs and toffee apples from slack jawed onlookers hands and sprinkling them on the ground attracting more winged vermin and poultry for my cousin to launch. the brass band, sensing the bloodlusting crowds tension easing with each boot piped up with some accompanying music. i think it was gershwin. my cousin continued to build toward a crescendo, booting combinations of coloured birds. the air became filled with a variety of front line barnyard noise and a smell not unlike copper and thunderstorms. whizpopping clucking screeching flapping swirling pigeons, a woodpecker, a puffin, a gull, a blue tit, two robins, a pelican, parrot, crow, pigeon,pigeon pigeon,pigeon,  peacock!

…..then silence….

and the gentle flutter of feathers back to earth with a periodic 'thwump' of dazed birds hitting the grass. the crowd stood in awestruck silence as the light faded.   'thwump'.   the police (until now enjoying the performance) waded into my cousin with the full force of truncheons and riot shields-keen to be seen to quell any troublemakers. 'thwump'. 

as the crowd paraded off, all that was visible was the large toothy smiles on their faces as they wiped the blood and grissle from their cheeks and picked the feathers from their hair. entertained, satisfied, happy.



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4 Responses to a riot diverted

  1. Lauri says:

    Your way with words is quite compelling! Your cousin's way with birds….more repelling!!!

  2. Jamie says:

    Exploding pigeons are the next best thing to fireworks only they're way less expensive. Free even.

  3. navelgazer says:

    duck duck goose. twisted wee buckaroo, je t'aime.

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