28 day return policy

the local pet store was doing a special offer on dogs. buy 2 dobermans get 3rd free. i had went looking for a couple of dobermans because i thought i would look good flanked by 2. but a 3rd wheel? rommel and fagin were mine. the girlfriend named the third one buttercup.

after a couple of days two of the dogs died. they must have been ill or something. it was rommel and fagin. i put them in bin bags and carried them down to pet universe. they were fucking heavy. the bus driver threw me off half way because of the smell and i had to carry them the rest of the way. i bundled them on the counter at pet universe and gave him my receipt. waited for my money back. he said he couldn't give me my money back. he said the offer was buy 2 get third free and that id have to return the third dog if i wanted any money back. i explained there was nothing wrong with the third dog other than it pissing on the carpet, it was healthy and my girlfriend had grown attached. he said no deal without the third dog and if it was healthy i couldnt return it. i could only return it if it was faulty. i schlepped the 2 bodies back home and explained id have to take buttercup if he died along with the two other dogs to get the money back.  we emptied out the freezer so we could put rommel and fagin in there till we could see if buttercup got sick like the others and died. buttercup helped us eat the defrosted food. trouble is both dogs didnt fit in the freezer. we really needed a chest freezer but we didnt have one of those. so we had to alternate rommel and fagins time in the freezer. one would be in the freezer while the other one sat in the sink. as soon as one dog started defrosting i'd swap them over. the flat stunk of wet dog. instead of the dog getting ill, it just got stronger and stronger.

with the 28 day return policy on the receipt fast approaching i began to wonder if i would get my money back at all. the only way i was going to get it back was if i took buttercup back dead along with the other two. i considered taking buttercup out for a long walk in the woods. but even i, who had murdered all of gods creatures at one time or another couldnt face the look in that sad dogs eyes. and so thats it. i didnt kill the dog. a post that doesnt end in the death of a person or an animal. a post that doesnt end on a downer. a post that doesnt try to have a smartass ending.


no i'm just kidding, i killed the dog.

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6 Responses to 28 day return policy

  1. OH! You made me burst out in maniacal laughter in public!Oh, shit! Men with a straightjac….

  2. Jamie says:

    I wonder if that's how my neighbor acquired his three dogs? I wish I'd have known, I'd have killed one of his dogs for him so that he'd have to do the other two himself to get his money back guarantee.

  3. Ishtar says:

    I'd like to see a picture of you flanked by two frozen dogs and looking into the sad eyes of the about-to-be-killed. *Giggles*

  4. dewitte says:

    Too bad for Buttercup. It didn't have to end that way. You know, they never check when you return stuff. You could have put some dirt in the third sack and just told them that your third dog disintegrated while chasing a ball and they would have to take it back.

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