mrs klaussmans horoscopes for july.



Whilst at a childs birthday party the clown will approach you and try to sell you pirate dvds. He will insist that 101 dalmations is a good copy with quality sound. But it will not be. Resist the urge to buy. When taking your new car to the garage for repair, the mechanic tells you it will cost a lot due to kitties in the engine. Not wishing to look like an unknowledgable fool you go along with the kittens in the engine story, claiming that it happened to you once before on an old Volkswagen beetle. Later you will cry yourself to sleep knowing you’ve been had and cursing the cowardly fact you didn’t speak up. You will go back to the mechanic and tell him what you think of his lying contemptible fraternity in colourful language. He breaks down. Sobbing he says he cannot live a lie any longer and offers to ‘blow the lid on the whole crooked industry’. at the end of the month whilst gardening you will dig up that large spectacle case that they fired the dead spock away in, in star trek 2 the wrath of khan.




A long lost relative will show up explaining he faked his own death and that what you actually buried was 300 pounds of sculpted gorgonzola cheese. A fact that the autopsy appears to have missed.




You will write a novel called ‘The Sicilian Parrot’ which becomes an international bestseller. Oprah invites you on her book show to talk about your novel. Halfway through she exposes you as a fraud, that you copied Dashiell Hammets ‘The Maltese Falcon’ word for word and simply replaced the words ‘maltese’ and ‘falcon’ for ‘Sicilian’ and ‘parrot’ throughout. She invites on Dashiell Hammett. Now 113 years old with one leg, he sleeps under the Brooklyn bridge in a cardboard box. She compares his lifestyle with yours showing you up to be wasteful and undeserving. The old man fakes a stroke to garner further sympathy with the crowd. The audience quickly turns against you. An old man spits on you. Writers, publishers and librarians go on riots burning your book in large piles. You have to relocate to Odessa in Russia and change your name to Bob Dobbs.




You will begin to collect bugs you find and place them in an old disused fish tank which you keep out the back. You will become attached to them all and give them names. The biggest one eats all the others and in a supreme act of universal closure you will eat him, confident in the knowledge that a little part of all your friends will never leave you as your collective DNA mingles in the dark dank tubing of your lower intestine. Lucky colour: blue




a visit to a two bit fortune teller advises you to open a restaurant and follow your dream of being a restaurant owner but to diversify for success. As you are about to leave she calls you back and whispers in your ear the single word ‘plankton’ and winks at you. Thus you open the worlds first plankton restaurant on the 19th before closing on the 21st bankrupt and broken hearted. The menu is derided by critics mostly because it consists of soup bowls filled entirely with sea water. Salty. Around the 28th you will slip on a tube of mighty mint toothpaste.




after eating a cream cake 16 days past its sell by date you find that the world freezes at 10:25 every day for 15 minutes, people, birds, clocks, clouds, everything. At first you are scared and just pretend to be frozen as well but after several minutes you get bored and just carry on what you’re doing. When everyone unfreezes they show no signs of knowing they were frozen and carry on regardless, over the following months and years you use your extra 15 minutes for petty thievery, public defecation and crude pranks. After 3 years of this you get bored and decide to use the extra 15 minutes for good not evil. For the remainder of your life you use them to right small wrongs, to construct fortunate occurances and to generally make life for those around you happier. On your deathbed you confide in your close friend about the cream cake and the extra 15 minutes. She says she knows, everybody knows, that they were all just pretending they were frozen and why did you have to defecate in that playground?



you will find an old used elastoplast in a box of kellogs cornflakes and write a letter of complaint at the find. Several weeks later while mopping up a spillage next to the phone you notice a small bugging device. A careful search reveals twelve more. Peering outside you will notice a kellogs cornflakes van parked further up the street. You will fear for your life. Grabbing your dearest possessions you race to the airport and jump on the first available flight. To rio! And a new start!


by sheer coincidence you will keep frequenting the same shops and streets as a local news anchor. The path crossing becomes so frequent you begin to worry that he suspects you of stalking him. The next day you accidentally bump into his trolley in the supermarket. Surprised and embarrassed you blurt out that you are a big fan of him, that you like the news and you aren’t stalking him and you’re not going to harm him because you aren’t following him. He looks terrified. He points to the contents of your trolley and you have the exact same foods. He throws you his wallet and begs for you not to shoot him. Around the 22nd a favorite pot plant dies of overwatering.


a man comes to the door selling brooms on the 25th. Imagine a person, tall, lean and feline, high-shouldered, with a brow like Shakespeare and a face like satan, a close-shaven skull, and long, magnetic eyes of the true cat-green. Invest him with all the cruel cunning of an entire broom sales company, accumulated in one giant intellect, with all the resources of science past and present… Imagine that awful being, and you have a mental picture of Dr. Fu-Manchu, the evil mastermind incarnate in one man. Selling brooms. Door to door.  Your door. On the 25th of this month. Buy one. Buy the lot. Then get down on your knees and pray to all the gods in heaven that no evil such as this ever comes to your unholy door again.


around the middle of the month an unkempt old lady will try to sell you magic beans in a glass jar. Feeling pity you will give her some loose change for the magic beans and she waddles off laughing. A man overhearing your transaction with the old lady will immediately offer you ten times what you paid for the beans. Laughing you take the money and waddle off. Later you wonder if the beans were magic. Soon you can not sleep wracked with the thought you may have passed up magic beans for a few pennies. Frazzled and at the end of your tether you order an all day breakfast at a greasy spoon café. When the waitress asks if you want beans you have a heart attack and slide off the plastic chair-dead-onto the floor. Around the 23rd you will win a competition on the back of a cereal box.

whilst out for a walk some boys will shout rude names at you from up a tree. Some milk will go off in your fridge. One night you struggle to get to sleep due to a moth flitting around your room. When you awake you will be convinced the moth has flown inside you as you cannot find it within the room and your stomach ripples so.




On the 5th you will come across a fox in the park limping on its front leg. You call animal welfare and it takes the animal away to have it put to sleep. you are sorry you reported it at all.

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6 Responses to mrs klaussmans horoscopes for july.

  1. dewitte says:

    This is disheartening. I just lost one of my favorite pot plants last month – I don't know if I can survive another loss.~Virgo

  2. How did you know that I have Spock buried in my garden??? You never cease to amaze me, Paul. Carry on.

  3. mrs klaussman says saturn goes retrograde in november so you and your plants luck should change for the better then dewitte.

  4. kaboom! nice nelson icon $6.

  5. ouch. sounds nasty belladonna. i think you should seek medical help when bits start dropping off you, like jeff goldblum in 'the fly'.
    mrs klaussman says apply peanut butter to the affected area twice a day and if it doesnt clear up in 2 weeks cut them off with scissors.

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