the playground barter system is a rough guide for children starting school to inform them of what is a fair swap. the system consists of a series of tables comparing treats. e.g.
1 gummi bear = 6 quavers
2 sherbet saucers = 1 cola bottle
the tables are based on how much gunk is left when the two swappables are crushed underfoot. we can see from the example given that quavers crush to leave not very much and so 6 of them are needed to obtain one gummi bear. quaver eaters should probably avoid the barter system.
the p.b.s. is however only a guide for fair swappage and children with a natural ability for lying or raconteurship may find they can use their gift of the gab to improve their swap. one such gent was the now infamous 'albert john mcavoy mckay' – king of the playground stock market.
legend says just after his 6th birthday the playground heavyweight swapped 1 pickled onion crisp for: a kit kat, 6 gummi bears, 1 screwball, an irn bru chew, a wham bar, 4 coconut snowballs, a maccarroon bar, a strawberry gumshield, a 1970 kevin keegan trading card, half a ruffle bar, 3 monkey nuts, a novelty chocolate neckbrace and a beluga whale. this list of items is 'playground famous' and is known as 'the golden haul'
young albert passed away in 1979 at 14 yrs old from severe dental failure, a victim of his own swap success. his basketball sized heart is preserved for all to see in a glass case at the kelvingrove museum.