pen pals

dear paul

i hope this letter finds you in less churlish a mood than your last correspondance. as i have repeatedly noted you still have not included a picture of yourself whereas i have given you that charming picture of myself swimming off lake garda. you mention an ankle twist. i do hope you have the presence of mind to seek medical attention as i do not look forward to repeatedly hearing of this ailment in your letter writing.

yours george

 

 

dear george

you spelt correspondence wrong. this goes some way to proving the education system is better in the west of scotland than the east, i'm sure you'll agree. i will not be sending you a photo. my swimmers build and natural athleticism would no doubt shame you over the lake garda picture. i am too kind to allow that to happen. p.s. i find it touching you still holiday with your grandmother.

yours paul

 

 

dear paul

surely you jest. you are well aware the lady in the picture is my fiancee. do i detect the stench of jealousy?

p.s. your stamp did not cover the price of mailing but i have reimbursed the postman personally. if you are short of funds simply say so. we are both well aware i have the far higher wage and would be happy to provide a few stamps to help you out.

yours george.

 

 

dear george

i dont think you are allowed to marry your grandmother. it would be best to break off the relationship immediately. i note one of your hobbies as mountaineering guffaw guffaw. i expect a loose rock hit you on the head as i clearly have the higher salary. i can only assume your 'mistake' was an attempt to alert me to your own dire financial straits. i have included 2 stamps for you following your clumsy hint. perhaps you may use one to write a letter to edinburgh sanitorium requesting admission? if they are full why not try the monkey enclosure?

yours paul

 

 

dear paul

i have been wrongly arrested for being the ugliest person in scotland. perhaps you could come down to the police station and show them they are clearly mistaken?

yours george.

 

 

dear george

your rapier like wit astounds me. have you ever considered a career on the stage? (mopping it) i must state at this juncture i find this whole pen pal arrangement dissapointing in the extreme. i was promised a match of similar interests and intellect. i can only assume somewhere another brilliant mind is communicating with a chimp.

yours paul.

 

 

dear paul

i too feel let down by the pen pal system. if i'd known i would be teaching an ingrate on lessons in letter writing i would have demanded a fee. p.s. your last letter had several food stains on it. are the prison staff aware you are sneaking food back to your cell?

yours george.

 

 

dear george.

you buffoon. you know of course i am not in prison but in my very large house overlooking the park, ironically my semi professional interest in penmanship indicates it is you who has a criminal mind. the backward slope of the b's and d's denotes a damaged neanderthal-like mind. i shall try to use smaller words in future. p.s. i had until now avoided mentioning the stench of your letters for politeness. perhaps you should consider moving to glasgow. we have an invention here you are clearly without. we call it 'soap'.

yours paul.

 

 

dear paul

obviously the heat in the laundry room has affected your mental faculties……….

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