judgement cloud

so iv floated up to heaven. theres a big beardy guy. looks a bit like lebowski. hes wearing a white bathrobe. white slippers. he has an ethereal glow. hes wearing thick black rimmed spectacles. hes eating a curly wurly. hes leaning against a green filing cabinet. i shuffle up.

me: howdy!

god(for it is he): oh hey there kiddo! hows tricks?

mm fine. fine.

lets see now. pablo isnt it?

its paul.

right! of course, paul! harrys boy! im all sixes and sevens today. peter phoned in sick. so im covering a lot of bases. jus…giv…me…a…second….{he flicks through the filing cabinet}  pablo.paco. patrick. aha! paul. now lets see…

paul of nazareth,paul of namibia. gotcha. paul of navarone.

woah. jesus mary and joseph thats a big file. parts A through to F! normally one folder suffices! i should be charging you an extra administration fee! just kidding! just kidding….

dont you have it all on computer?

well we're a bit behind the times up here. we're planning to, but you know how it is. we did have it all on 8-track. then they moved onto digital tape. i got the whole thing replaced. then they got the cd. yada yada yada. iv given up you know? im gonna wait for the final thing and then i'll do the whole lot in a one-r. can i get you a cup of tea?

mm. have you got chocolate milk?


i'll have tea.

he speaks into his desk intercom. mary can you get pablo a tea please.

lets see now. oh you're good friends with mrs klaussman i see. how is the old cow?

oh shes fine.

mm. now. catholic. good. mmm. chasing girls around the playground. pulling pigtails. fighting. smashing windows. killing. smoking. we can gloss over most of that stuff.

really? killings ok? isn't that one of your rule thingys?


thats it! commandments, yeh. isnt that one of those?

well theyre just a rough guide really. we dont stick hard and fast to those. besides its actually misqouted. the rule is 'though shalt not murder'. killing is ok.


besides we didn't put that one in with the new commandments. we were having to condemn everybody. the place was empty.

new commandments?

yeh version 2? the new commandments. commandments lite.

i dont think we got those.

sure sure. i sent moses back down in 88.

nope. i dont think we got those.

you're kidding.

nope. straight up.

if you're lying i'll find out.(pointing)

cross my heart. hope to die. stick a needle in my eye.

well that would explain why people are still driving.

mm? you outlawed driving.

are you simple boy? its all in the bible 2. cant you read?

ehh. i dont think we got that.

you're shitting me!

nope. i think there was a jaws 2. and rockys up to 5 or 6 now. but i dont think theres a bible 2.

oh this is just great. im just gonna have to let everybody off. have a do-over. well todays your lucky day pablo.catch u later. say hi to klaussman. (pulls a handle releasing a trapdoor) 

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2 Responses to judgement cloud

  1. dewitte says:

    Hooray – you get to play again. That's good. I was worried for a bit. Now you didn't hear about Moses coming back? I think that was George Burns, wasn't it? I'm confused – maybe that was someone else. Oh well. I'm glad he is working on the driving thingy, even though we are slow to hear about it. Gosh dangit – sometimes I think I'm going to murder somebody on the way home, so this will be much better. I guess it will be the bus for me from here out.

  2. AmyH says:

    Kill, Dewitte, not murder. There's a theologically difference. Sure, it might be splitting hairs when you are splitting someone between eyes, but God said so.
    Glad to know you've been sent back, Paul. For the record, I didn't see Bible 2.0 either.

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