My girlfriend kuv knocked another one of my teeth out. Again she was trying to show me what shed learnt at self-defence. I tell her just show me without hitting me, but she says it’s not the same and she’d feel silly pretending there’s someone there. I tell her I know how she feels when my mouth fills up with blood and we’re picking my tooth out her elbow. So we stuck a pistachio nut shell in there for now and as long as you don’t get too close my smile still looks kinda enchanting. I stuck the tooth under the pillow cos I figure she can at least give me a fiver for knocking my tooth out.
Anyway, I’m asleep, it must be about midnight cos its pitch black and I wake up cos I hear this thumping outside and there’s this guy. Seriously there’s this guy coming through the window. I’m on the top floor. He’s huffing and puffing audibly and then he trips on the windowsill and falls into the flat, hitting my girlfriends sleeping Doberman who just gets up and walks to the other side of the bed and flops back down to sleep. I’m sat bolt upright. Speechless. My girlfriend continues to sleep, oblivious.
This guy looks like he ate a piano. He’s all teeth. He’s got ten or twenty times the amount of teeth in his mouth than he should have. Great big giant white ice-lolly stick teeth all sticking out of his mouth at all different angles. This guy could eat an apple through a tennis racquet. He’s kinda stocky with a black duffel coat and black boots. He’s got a black bushy beard. Gold glitter shimmers around him.
He says to me ‘beejesus my back! Do you mind if I take a seat for a minute. These tenements are killing me. He sits on the windowsill. Ooh boy. And this heat. He says fingerin his collar. I’m sweatin like a pig in a sausage factory! Wooeee! He says waving his hand in front of his armpit.
Eh. Wha? Who are you?
Tooth fairy. Listen-you got a glass of water?
Tooth fairy? You’re a burglar!
Oh yeah? Burglars normally sprinkle fairy dust?
You got a tooth under your pillow?
Then I’m the tooth fairy! Now get me that water.
I’m dreamin. I’m dreamin that’s it. Or this is a joke. I’m asleep.
You stuck the tooth under the pillow buddy. You called me. Wow these curtains are nice. Are these from curtain world?
Right right. Curtain planet. Lovely. Thick.
I can’t help notice you’ve got a big smile. That’s quite a mouth of teeth.
678, once you get a thousand you can retire’.
‘You just keep cramming them in?’
‘Yep’ he says
You’re gonna stick my tooth in there?
Sure that’s how it works. I take the tooth. Leave 50p. Slip in. slip out! Ha ha.
I’m not sure I want to give my tooth anymore.
My tooth. I don’t think I like the idea of you sticking it in your mouth. I grew it. It’s mine. We’re close.
I just climbed three floors buddy. Three floors. Do you know how tough that is? I’m not Errol Flynn you know. I nearly slipped a few times.
Its just I don’t like giving people parts of my body. I don’t have a donor card. I get the barbers to give me my hair back in a bag. I bury it out the back.
You bury your hair? Jeez.
Well look id sooner just not give you the tooth anymore. I changed my mind. You’ll just have to go back out the window. I’m sorry I’ve wasted your time.
Well that’s just great. Three floors. Three stinkin floors.
Then he goes back out the window. Cursing.