You will have a dream about meeting che Guevara. At the last minute you will flounder on whether to address him as ‘el che’ ‘che’ or ‘el comandante’ and will instead mistakenly call him doris. An aunt will leave you her recipe for rhubarb crumble. Around the 12th a man will try to sell you a donkey ride on blackpool beach.
Whilst searching through your grandmothers music box for sellable trinkets you come across newspaper cuttings outlining how she was a burlesque dancer in paris in the forties entertaining both sides. The germans called her-herren teufel and the allies-missy macaroon.
Whilst researching your family tree you discover all your relatives have been Russian turnip farmers as far back as records began. Dismayed by the lack of spice and romance you invent a false family tree and pass it off as real. local news prints your invented stories of dukes and spies and soon oprah invites you on her show to talk about your family. Half way through she uncovers you as a liar and brings on all surviving turnip farming relatives who prove to be charming and erudite and witty and soon they win over the crowd with turnip related stories and turnip snacks which they hand out to the audience. The crowd gets nasty toward you for selling out your heritage. An old man spits on you. You have to change your name and move to morocco. The Russian turnip farmers become household names and front a cookery show. Around the 14th you find money in an old jacket.
A distant relative is killed in a bizarre yachting accident. Never turn your back on the sea. The sea is a fickle thing. A misplaced pregnancy tester causes chortles at the breakfast table. You join a flameco dancing class and start an illicit affair with your dance partner. After a few weeks you call it off and return to your everyday turgid life. Until death you regret this decision.
A neighbours van der graaf generator causes widespread envy but a giant mantrap found in a car boot sale redresses the balance. Beware reversing bin lorries and ferrero rocher. You see the ageing leading actor from buck rogers slip some sweets into his pocket at the local supermarket and leave without paying. After months of blackmail he agrees to give you the little robot that said ‘beedy beedy’ if you leave him alone for good.
A playground scuffle at the monkey bars results in parental one-upmanship. go to the mattresses. A blind date with one of the actresses from ‘Laverne and Shirley’ goes perfectly. Around the 21st you will walk into the sea. Lucky number 5.
Be realistic about cellar conversions. A lucky find in a fire sale will see friends blush. a man called emmet will trick you. beware all emmets. Tired of your day to day life, you buy a mask and go on tour wrestling members of the public in a travelling fair
Children selling lemonade will prove the spur for a streetfight. greenfly will affect a favourite plant.. you start up a roller derby club. Around the 25th you bake a cake which doesn’t rise properly but bears an uncanny resemblance to the late george peppard. You sell the cake on e-bay and start a small publishing firm turning out turgid crime and romance novels. You die peacefully and happy in your sleep aged 79.
A suspicious package will cause panic. an accident at the hairdressers leaves scarring and the need for a trendy rubber ear. A blackmailer sees you siphoning petrol. You win a years worth of slutty lingerie in a radio phone in competition.
A so-far undiscovered birth mark reveals the origin of a cruel childhood nickname. an overactive bath-bomb leads to broken bones and tiles. In a bizarre surreal moment you take a swig from an old bottle of aftershave in your parents bathroom and develop a liking for the taste.
A long lost pet shows up unannounced and asking searching questions. A local drunk comes at you with a trowel. An overactive tub of creamola foam causes widespread carnage and panic. At the end of the month you start to regularly sleepwalk. Sometimes you go out in the middle of the night and pick flowers in the park. You are confused in the morning when your feet are covered in mud
Perturbed at rising crime rates you manufacture a costume and begin to carry out vigilante acts in the name of crime fighting. Your moniker is ‘the crimson cornflake' and you carry a red stick which you call ‘loretta’. Around the 10th your kettle will break.