The Black Pages…. contacting the other side for 67 years.

the play takes place in the side room of 'the black pages' seance and trinkets shop in partick. the room is elaborately furnished and curtained. on the walls there are several paintings and a poor quality cuckoo clock. soft theme music as the curtain rises. mrs klaussman the psychic is lighting candles and shaking snowglobes. estelle mcwhirter, a client is sorting through her papers. the time is 12:42. lunchtime.

mrs klaussman: i'll contact my spirit guide alec patterson… is there anybody there?

mr p: yes i'm here

client: is he there?

mrs klaussman: yes he's there.

           can you find a jeffrey breen for us mr p

mr p: im busy.

{lights go up stage right. mr patterson is seated at a table reading a menu. he is a fat old bald man with a moustache}

client: can he find him?

mrs klaussman: he's trying, its very hard. he says the ether is very foggy.

mr p: im not trying. im busy

mrs klaussman: hes still trying.

mr p: can i have the fish, but with potatoes instead of chips.

mrs klaussman: yes he's found him! what is it you want to ask?

client: jeffrey? jeff? i love you.

mrs klaussman: he cant hear you dear. your question. whats your question?

mr p: and can i have a side plate of onion rings?

client: where is the dogs ear medicine?

mrs klaussman: mr p can you ask jeffrey where the dogs ear medicine is?

mr p: and can you give me some tartare sauce for the fish please.

client: does he know?

mrs klaussman: he's just thinking.

mr p: how's the house wine? is that good? actually i'll just have a shandy.

mrs klaussman: he says you had the medicine last. he doesnt know where you put it.

client: oh…. oh well…. i love you jeff!

mrs klaussman: he's just telling jeffrey that you love him. thank you mr p.

client pays and leaves

mrs klaussman: well thanks a fucking lot. is your hearing aid broke or are you just cranky again?

mr p: i'm in a restaurant. i cant just run out and start shouting for biff.

mrs klaussman: its jeff.

mr p: whatever.

mrs klaussman: next time you want the football scores you can go whistle dixie.

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