mr Malone

My best and worst teacher was mr malone. I thought he was great but everybody else was shit scared of him. we were 10. He was definitely unhinged. Years of teaching kids will do that to a person though. he had admirable nosehair and the top of his jawbone below his ear would pulsate when he was about to blow his top.


 If you asked to go to the toilet he would never say yes or no. he would just shrug his shoulders and say ”well, its your education”  kids didn’t know what to do. They needed a yes or no. one time, Nicola Flanagan whos desk happened to be theatrically placed in the dead center of the room pissed herself rather than go to the toilet. She just kept asking and he just kept shrugging until she could hold no more. I can remember thinking as she squelched all the way home that I wish id had the wherewithal to see she was in trouble and just go to the toilet before her without asking so as to make her follow. I still wonder if she carries that bad memory around with her 20 years later…. All the kids gasping and staring as the pee trickled down her gray socks and shoes onto the floor. Someone was given the lucky job of taking the pee covered chair outside.


In the end he was sacked for smacking kevin chang around the lughole because he was whistling past his classroom. Kevin chang was ‘school famous’ because his middle finger was just a stump and he was regularly asked for viewings by all the kids.


One of his more memorable lessons was teaching us how our faeces should look-with blackboard diagrams and everything. If it sunk like a rock it was bad. If it floated in bits like brown dolly mixtures on the surface it was good. That’s brave teaching considering we were 10yr olds.


On april fools day he spent the whole morning teaching us that loof lirpa was the first man on the moon and that he invented the shoe. And we all fell for it.   He wore a lot of tweed.

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